A 75-year-old New York woman found her fortune in a cookie.
CLEVELAND - So the Powerball is at half a billion dollars, and, like so many people, it's easy to day dream about what you would do with the money.
But, in this town it's easy to spend that cash.
First, I would put a retractable dome on Cleveland Browns Stadium. I'm sorry, using that building 12 times a year is a waste of space and money. But, I want the retractable part to be called the Baskinator. Sounds cool.
I would also put a revolving door in front of the quarterbacks' and coaches' lockers at Browns Stadium and in Berea. Just so the guys could get a real feel for what the job is all about.
Some of the money would be used to buy the 60,000-plus white flags the Browns didn't give fans at the Steelers game. I would give them to Jimmy Haslem. When the honeymoon is over after next year's draft, he will need the white flags to fend off Browns fans if he picks the wrong guy or makes the wrong move.
Then, I would loan $100 million to the Indians and figure out a way to fix the free agent issues at Carnegie and Ontario. It's a loan, so if it doesn't work, I can blame the Dolans, like everyone else does in this town for all our sports problems. Yep, had a flat tire, blamed it on Larry. It's all good.
Then I would start my own high school football association. Everybody could recruit, ending the myth that recruiting is illegal. But, I would make it an all-orphan league so I wouldn't have to deal with parents. We would have instant replay to make up for the lack of parental guidance. That way if the kids make a mistake in life, we could go back and fix it.
I would give Cleveland State the money to start a football program. It's the only thing they are missing to be a complete athletic university. The campus is growing right before our eyes. Who knows. The way the ACC and Big East are losing teams, Euclid Avenue could be the new Tobacco Road, if I float some of my money toward Gary Waters.
I would pay Randy Lerner a few million for not owning the Browns. It's the least I can do for all the money he has paid coaches not to be here.
I would see if the gaming commission will let Dan Gilbert put slots in the "Q." If they keep losing like this, it might be the only reason to go to games after the new year. Along with that I would have new signs put up around town, "Welcome to Cleveland, Home of the NBA Draft Lottery 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014..."
I might see if I could invest with Gilbert in trying to put the Monsters playing in the highest level of pro hockey in the U.S. and Canada. Oh wait, the NHL already gave me that wish. No money needed on that one.
But, I would give the Dolans the money to put the ice rink back in the center of the ballpark. Help them recoup some of the Snow Days money. Can we bring the Baskinator over so you wouldn't have to sit outside?
Oh well, back to day dreaming. I wonder if I paid Mark Johnson enough he could make it summer all year long. I can dream right? If not, just blame the Dolans.
He stopped to get gas at the Murphy Express the day of the drawing last Wednesday and his wife told him to buy some hot dog buns.
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