I have seen the light.
You don't have to bash me over the head with a big stick (although bashing me over the head with a big stick apparently is some people's idea of a pleasant way to spend an afternoon). I have become wise in the ways of the world.
The evidence is incontrovertible: Whenever I write a column with the word "Millionaire" anywhere in it, I get hammered by readers.
Who knows why? Maybe those who admire millionaires are particularly touchy. (If anyone wins the Powerball this week, you'd better believe that I'm not going to write about them.)
Last fall, when I wrote about the inexplicable popularity of ABC's "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," I was flooded with e-mails from people who questioned my intelligence, my parentage and my sanity. (To be fair, I got more than twice as many e-mails from people who agreed with me, but the most vitriol spewed from the keyboards of those who think that the show is the best TV show ever and that Regis Philbin is the Second Coming. Call it the Cult of the Final Answer.)
Last week I wrote about the Fox sleazefest "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?," pointing out that television has now officially sunk to its lowest point ever. Once again, I have been bombarded with bitterness.
Take a peek:
- "I am sorry to disappoint you, but women have always sought three things in a man: money, money and money," wrote a man whose e-mail address is -- no lie -- "MyFastBMW."
"You are just embarrassed as a woman to see your true nature displayed on national TV," MyFastBMW continued. "The fact is that people are simple. Women want men with money and men want young women that can reproduce. If that simple basic fact scares you, fine ... but don't sit high and mighty on some fake moral ground that shakes with every reality quake.
"I love the fact that one of woman's truest natures was on public display.
"I used to drive a Honda and I hardly ever got dates. Now I drive a BMW. Tell me why I get more dates than ever now? Is it coincidence or is it 'nature'?"
Beats me. Could it be your delightful personality and your obvious respect for women?
- "My God. The show wasn't that bad. What makes you think you can sit here and call these people SLUTS?? WAAAAY out of line. If the suits at WCCO had a brain in their head they would be getting rid of you now."
I've passed on this suggestion to "the suits" at Internet Broadcasting Systems, my employers. I'll let you know what they decide.
- "Any salient point you were trying to make about Rick Rockwell is lost when you use terms like 'misogynistic moron' and make allusions to the fact that he is a 'cockroach,'" a man named Mike wrote. "I have noticed that when small children are frustrated or angry, given their limited ability to express themselves verbally, (they) will react by calling names. I can only assume that you are an adult, a frustrated and angry adult that lacks the ability to present her views in an eloquent and intelligent manner.
"I have noticed this tendency in people of your ilk and I generally shrug it off because these are usually people that work at Kinko's and chain themselves to trees in their spare time. I don't know how you got your own column, but judging by the obvious shortcomings in your writing and your poor choices in subject matter, I figure that you must have a close relative in a position of authority."
Hey, nobody was supposed to know about that tree-chaining incident. I'm going to talk to my dad -- uh, I mean my boss -- about leaks within the organization, which are causing me great anger and frustration and robbing me of my customary eloquence and intelligence. (Thanks for the heads-up and for the critique, Mike, you big poopy-head.)
- And this is my favorite one, from a gentleman named Bob: "You are a HIGHLY PREJUDICE SUPER JERK."
Admirably terse and to the point. No question about where I stand with Bob.
Well, you get the drift. It's worth noting, perhaps, that every e-mail I received that disagreed with my perspective came from a man. I don't know if it necessarily means anything, but there you have it. Make of it what you will.
If you've been following the news for the last week, you know that this whole "Who Wants to Marry" debacle just continues to get more and more, um, debacle-ish.
First we were subjected to a weepy radio interview with groom Rick Rockwell, in which he shed tears not only over the pending dissolution of his marriage (yup, that was a stunner, Rick), but the people who will be out of a job because Fox quickly backpedaled on its plans to produce any future such embarrassments. Oh, the humanity!
We also had to listen to Jay Thomas, the smarmy host of the show, offer his opinions on the whole thing. Basically, he appears to think that the show was a grand idea and that Fox is foolish not to produce more episodes (and, not incidentally, continue to keep him off the unemployment line). Just look at the ratings! he bellowed. And oh, yes -- he told Rockwell not to pick Darva Conger from among the 50 women vying to become his wife.
Just imagine not taking Jay Thomas' advice. I mean, honestly, how foolish can you get? If you had questions about romance and marriage, wouldn't you immediately turn to a washed-up actor who wasn't even particularly good in the roles he did manage to snag? I know I would.
We heard from a former girlfriend of Rockwell's (no, not the one who got a restraining order against him after he threatened to kill her) that this so-called "multimillionaire" is so cheap that when he took her out to dinner for her birthday last year, he made her pay for her own meal.
As for Conger, she's been offered the chance to earn her very own $1 million by posing nude on an adult Web site. (Given her expressed distaste for the kiss that her new husband gave her on national TV, I doubt that she'll be jumping at this chance.)
And, just in case there was any doubt about this, it appears that Rockwell has absolutely no shame: There are reports that he has decided to seek his next wife on the Internet. I'm sure you'd agree that this is a much classier and more effective way of meeting one's soulmate.
For some people, the truly bad news in all this -- beyond the apparently limitless depths to which American television viewers' taste can sink -- is that Fox has now canceled plans for any more "reality" programming, the shows on which it has built its viewership.
That means that we won't be tuning in this year to -- I'm not making these up -- "Plastic Surgery Nightmares," "Busted on the Job 5" or "World's Biggest Bitches."
It's too bad. I was kind of hoping that I had a shot at that last one.
Note: Betsy's pop culture column, Culture Shocked, appears every Wednesday in our Entertainment section. She welcomes your questions and comments.
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