BRIMFIELD TWP., Ohio - Chief David Oliver never stops, and his way with words hasn't diminished any over time.
Now, he's posted an open letter on Facebook to meth cooks, listing some tips for those who "get out of jail and return to mopery."
He even extends a helping hand, reminding addicts that the concoctions they're consuming "just cannot be good for your innards."
You can read it below or click here to see it on Facebook .
Dear Meth Cook(s),
Good Morning. We hope you are enjoying your stay at the bed and breakfast. The criminal life is a tough one, but does often come with free room and board. At least free to you. Honestly, I don’t mind paying my share if it keeps you out of society for a while. It’s sort of like in the movies when a rich relative pays another relative to go away. We are sorry you broke the law and also sorry you did it here. We have some pointers for you, in the event you get out of jail and return to mopery.
* It is best that you and the crew split up. One of your posse is on probation for manufacturing meth. One of the others had an arrest warrant for manufacture of meth. When a bunch of meth cooks congregate, we call that a "clue" in police work. We do not at anytime believe you all are preparing to film and episode of “Chopped” or “Iron Chef.” You just are not that type of cook/chef.
* When one of you uses a bogus Ohio ID card, the person should have at least an iota (see our word of the day for help) of resemblance to the person who is using it. Those resemblances should include having the same eye, hair and weight information. We know weight fluctuates at times; however this much fluctuation would have resulted in a reality TV show.
* Yes, the dog barking in the police car is a “drug sniffing dog.” Our dogs do not alert on peanut butter, steak or goldfish crackers.
* While we understand your “rights,” your rights are no more important than the law-abiding people who want to stop and stay at one of our hotels. Our job is to make certain that the bad people do not disrupt the lives of the good people. We do that while honoring your rights and the rights of the good guys. My officers do that job with pride and thoroughness. The simple fix for us not arresting you is you not breaking the law.
* Please stop and think about what you are cooking and then snorting up your nose. The combination of muriatic acid, acetone, lighter fluid and lye just cannot be good for your innards. As I have always offered, if you need help, email me. firstname.lastname@example.org.
Great job to Officers Dinkelman, Gramlich (K-9 Pseudo) and Sgt. Dumont. The crew either arrested or evicted a gaggle of meth makers from the community during midnight shift last night. Way to go, fellas!
Carry on…..Chief Oliver.