Some of the men I know don’t express the deepest of feelings to the ones they love most.
A male co-worker told me this when we were looking at my inbox, discussing the influx of emails from women expressing concern over their boyfriend’s inability to make any sort of commitment.
And the women who have recently reached out to me are not alone. The ever popular magazine Cosmopolitan™ , which on numerous occasions has been referred to as the Woman’s Bible just dedicated a four-page spread explaining why men in love are dragging their feet.
It’s enough to shake your self confidence and leave you begging the question why me? If the man you adore doesn’t seem eager to take your relationship to the next level whether that’s putting a ring on it, shacking up or simply becoming exclusive.
Allen Berger, PhD. and author of Love Secrets Revealed, was quoted saying that he believes gender roles have been reversed and these days the “traditional take-charge position [men] once played in a relationship is becoming obsolete, [leaving them] trying to figure out their new role.”
Others suggest that men are “falling behind women professionally and academically, which in turn is chipping away at their confidence” and subconsciously hindering their ability to be the leading man, so to speak.
Miami Dating Coach Dan Silverman says the research supporting the above factors is BS. “Lab rats are stuck inside, looking at graphs,” he says. “Rarely are they out in the real world, interacting with people.”
Silverman says if your man isn’t willing to commit, you’ve got to look at a few contributing factors and the first is you.
“Most women are so desperate to get into a relationship and they don’t necessarily care with whom,” he explains. “They just want to be loved so badly, where guys really take the time to analyze if the chick they're spending time with is worth building a future with.”
Getting back to statistics, which we know Silverman says, “throw out the window,” 80 to 90-percent of guys aren’t ready, willing, or both, to handle a serious relationship, which is really too bad because there a lot of guys I’ve met and I’m sure you know too, that would’ve been great boyfriends if their hearts and minds were in it.
Silverman suggests checking out his past. He says one reason men become commitment-phobic is because they’ve been so burned in past relationships, whether they were cheated on or got their heart smashed, that they’re trying not to be vulnerable in the present. If you’ve found yourself wrapped up with one of these guys, sadly, he could just be with you because of the physical attraction, the attention, the sex, or he could be waiting around for the B.B.D. (Bigger Better Deal)
“Men’s standards aren’t as high as women’s,” Silverman says. “They put women in two categories; the potential girlfriend or the screw-around.” Ladies, even if the sex is fantastic, please recognize early on in the "relationship" if it’s only about booty, get yours and get out! Because trust me, it may start out great but when you start discussing the F-word (future) he’ll run and you truthfully don’t want to end up with such a weak man anyway. Do you?
By chance you may have even made life so easy and amazing for your man that he simply loves the routine and won’t commit to you for the long term, even if marriage isn’t on the horizon, if he thinks exclusivity means no fun, no excitement and bye-bye freedom.
“A lot of women try to be in control of their relationships,” Silverman says. “It pays to let men be the leader, the alpha. And nudging your man to take action indicates that you’re needy and again you’re desperate. He knows what he wants and what's 'good' for him."
Silverman’s best advice is just to wait it out, without putting your life on hold. “The more a woman acts like a girlfriend; caring, supportive, and not smothering, the more he’ll want her to be. And the less she wants to be in that relationship, the more he’ll want her there.”
Sounds stupid, I know. But if you really think about it, it makes sense. If your non-committal man feels you’re waiting around Dating Coach Rori Raye says he could start thinking:
- You’re letting him choose how to live your life.
- You’ve got nothing else going on or no other options.
- You, just like him are where you are because that’s where you want to be.
Make him see that you love your life more than anyone else, there’s no way you’ll let him dictate what you can and can’t do, and in turn you won’t be doing the same to him. The idea is to be so attractive, so smart, so independent and so loving that he can’t help but want you all to himself.
The right guy will step up to the plate, but for that to happen, you’ve got to let go of all your fears for the future
and focus on living and loving in the present. “As far as a timeline to throwing in the towel, there isn’t one,” Silverman says. “Walk away when you’re no longer having fun.”
Ladies, my best advice is to hone in on our God given gift; the woman’s intuition. If your gut is telling you that this guy will never man up, for any of the reasons we’ve suggested or dozens of others that have yet to be explored, save yourself the sleepless nights, the frustration and humiliation. When your prince charming arrives, there will be no games, no questions, no need to worry, he’ll be enthusiastic to call you, spend time with you, meet your family and the list goes on; everything will be crystal clear. Plain and simple!