By BARTON GOLDSMITH
Scripps Howard News Service

Some people mistakenly feel that, when they don't get what they want, it is perfectly acceptable to nag, annoy, harass and basically pester a partner (or whomever) to death in order to get their needs met.

Where is it written that hammering on someone is going to help you get what you want or need? How do you think all that haranguing and pushing is going to make the other person feel?

Consider Yourself A Nag?

Truth is, if you've said something to a person three times, he has heard it, and if he continues to do what you don't want or to do nothing, you are officially being ignored. Your yelling, pleading or whatever isn't ever going to work. But there are some things that both people can do to heal and rearrange this dysfunctional dynamic.

Why People Nag

First, there are the nagging person's issues. If your emotional needs aren't being met, it hurts -- plain and simple. Emotional pain can propel us to say and do things we ordinarily would consider inappropriate, but our feelings tend to bypass the lessons taught by Miss Manners, and we just go for the gusto (or the throat), and mistakenly believe that getting loud or being repetitive will help us get through to the person whose attention we want.

Approaching a conversation as though it were a cage-fighting match is never going to help. Simply learn to engage in a dialogue without getting angry, because by keeping control of yourself you also keep control of the situation.

How To Handle A Nag

Being on the receiving end of a champion-level haranguer is right up there with getting a root canal. So, learning to defuse a difficult dialogue is an important skill to master. If you just can't make it stop, the most-employed technique is using the power of two feet to walk away. It's better than being verbally beaten down, but you will have to deal with this person again, and he or she will be armed and ready next time. If it seems like you are being held hostage, there may be a good reason for feeling that way.

To really make a permanent change in this kind of communication conundrum, the person who is being relentless has to actually see his or her behavior. Some therapists actually videotape clients in session, so they can see how damaging, hurtful and manipulative behaviors and harsh words can be.

Using something as simple as the video camera on your phone can help your partner see that his or her behavior is inappropriate. It really is a wake-up call for most people to see themselves act out with a loved one. It's best to first agree that it's OK to record your partner, and then let him or her watch it after calming down. (And please, don't put it on YouTube!)

Hopefully, you can avoid or eliminate this behavior completely. I'm sure it's obvious how much better both your lives will be without it.

No one likes to be nagged, and even more certain, no one ever thinks he or she is a nag. But the fact is most of us exhibit nag-like behavior more than we realize, or more than we admit. Here are 5 signs to watch out for, to see if your "gentle reminders" or "constructive criticisms" have crossed the line to full-scale nag.

1. You repeat the same instructions three times or more, and still no response.
   The time lapsed between the "instructions" (30 minutes, 1 month, even 2 years) doesn't matter as long as the person on the receiving end remembers hearing all of them. To the receiver, it's nagging.
2. Each time you repeat the same request or command, your voice gets a little bit louder.
3. Each time you ask for the same thing, your partner appears more and more defensive or agitated.
4. Your requests grow in size and number, out of frustration for being ignored. You're bothered by more things, more often.
   This one's hard to see sometimes. But if you're feeling frustrated that your partner won't respond to your primary concerns, don't escalate the situation by piling on additional requests.
5. You overuse the phrases "Why haven't you" or "Why don't you".
   Phrases like "Why haven't you cut the grass?" or "Why don't you stop at just one brownie?" can put your partner on defense and increase tension in the relationship. It's hard to say either of these phrases and avoid the potential of something thinking you're a nag.

(Dr. Barton Goldsmith, a marriage and family therapist in Westlake Village, Calif., is the author, most recently, of "Emotional Fitness for Intimacy." He also hosts "Emotional Fitness" on NPR. E-mail him at Barton(at)BartonGoldsmith.com.)