‘The Bachelor' recap: If a look could kill, Sean Lowe would be a goner

CINCINNATI - Sean Lowe whisked his final three ladies off to Thailand to seduce them the best he knew how on the overnight fantasy suite dates on "The Bachelor."

"I'm so excited to spend this week with Lindsey, AshLee and Catherine," Sean said. "It's amazing to think these are my last three girls and they are all so unique and different from each other. But at the same time, I am crazy about all of them."

(Side note: I do not understand why Sean continues to wear board shorts. And the tank top is overkill. Bring your sister back so she can take you shopping)

The episode began with flashbacks of each girl's time with Sean, which was a bit redundant considering we have already sat through two hours (or more) of the show every week.

He said he loved that he could be 100 percent himself with Catherine, that he had the strongest relationship with AshLee and that Lindsey was the best friend he was looking for. Well, now you have us all confused.

Lindsey was the first date for Sean in Thailand and we were all dreading listening to her second grade voice for an extended period of time. Someone cue nails on a chalkboard, please.

"Lindsey and I have this spark that has grown into this massive flame," Sean said.

He described the night he met her in a wedding dress and that he thought she was crazy, and not in a good way. I'm glad you said on national television what all of us were thinking.

"I was worried that Lindsey was just fun… that she didn't have the depth or maturity I was looking for," Sean said. And the world is now applauding, because in no way is there any depth to Lindsey whatsoever.

Then Sean ruined it by saying that she was much more than he thought. I hate to break it to you, man, but there is a reason she hangs out with kids so much.

Sean told Lindsey that she was the best friend he was looking for and while it was adorable, I'm starting to rethink my opinion on Sean's intelligence.

The couple went to a market in Thailand and on the ride there Lindsey told Sean that she would be up for anything other than eating bugs.

So what did Sean do? Made her eat bugs.

I'm starting to think Sean might be a little bit of a sadist.

Lindsey was a champ and ate a few crunchy bugs, followed by making the most hilarious face I've ever seen. To say she didn't enjoy the challenge doesn't quite capture it.

"I want to live a fun and exciting life and I need an adventurous partner and Lindsey is exactly that," Sean said after she ate the bugs.

No, what you meant to say was, 'I want to find out what my partner really doesn't want to do and then guilt her into doing it because I'm strange.'

Lindsey struggled the entire date to tell Sean that she was in love with him. I'm not sure why that was. Whether it was due to fear or because she literally couldn't put the words together in a sentence… we will never know.

The two played with monkeys on the beach, which actually seemed very appropriate given their child-like relationship.

"I'm really happy because Lindsey has it all. Could this girl be my wife? The answer is ‘yes,'" Sean gushed. I called it then that this is the statement he says about every girl throughout this episode.

At dinner, Sean asked Lindsey about getting engaged and if she would move to Dallas to be with him. "Being engaged would be fun, and picking out a house with you," Sean told her.

"I'm so excited for our life to start," Lindsey said. "We want the same things, we have everything going for us and you make me so happy. It doesn't get any better."

The overnight date card arrived and Lindsey was able to read and pronounce the word "majestic," so maybe I have been too hard on her? Nah.

Sean convinced Lindsey (very easily) to go on the overnight, telling her that they needed time without distractions and interruptions.

Sean starts to unravel at the house and said that he was falling in love with Lindsey. She finally spit the words out that she's in love with him and then they lived happily ever after. Just kidding. This is The Bachelor people.

AshLee's date was next and I immediately wanted to change the channel when she continued her display of self-disclosing information that no one wanted to hear.

"I'm like this school girl that's in love and Sean is probably my true love," AshLee said.

Sean expressed that he was falling in love with her too and that he felt he had the strongest relationship with her so far. Gasp.

Once again, Sean makes another girl uncomfortable by taking AshLee to an underwater cave and making her swim through it. He said he did it because AshLee is very comfortable in her routine and he liked to challenge her and help her to live outside of her normal routine. No, no, no, we get why you are doing it. You're a sadist, remember?

This is the part of the show that I realized Sean was keeping AshLee around purely because he enjoyed the fact that she needed him. A bit of an egomaniac I would say.

"Hopefully she latches on to me for support," he said about the cave adventure. "I love feeling like

I'm Ashlee's protector. She's putting all her trust and faith in me and I want to prove to her that I can get her to safety without a problem."

Latch on she did. Ego stroked. Way to play it, Sean.

"I don't feel like there are two human beings that belong together more than he and I," AshLee said. Uh oh, I really hope he chooses her only because he would be saving her a lot of money thrown at therapy.

Speaking of which, if I hear her say the word "abandonment" or "letting go" one more time, I may give up on the recap right now.

At dinner, AshLee expressed that she didn't want to morally put herself out there to Sean when she knows there are two other girls involved. But she must have forgotten what she thought, because she went on the overnight date anyway.

In the most ironic, yet poignant moment of the night, Sean asked AshLee if people question why she is still single.

"No purpose in making a poor decision just because you want to get married," AshLee said. Excuse me, but I'm fairly certain you are making a poor decision when saying you are ready to marry a guy you've known for 6 weeks because you want to get married. Oh well, I enjoy irony too.

"I love that you know the qualities that I possess and the qualities that are good for you that I posses and that you want those in your life and I just love that," Sean said to prove again that he is only keeping AshLee around for an ego boost.

AshLee made every man on the planet uncomfortable when she described the exact engagement ring she wanted from Sean.

"And with that said I'd like a cushion ring with diamonds all around on the band. I believe my ring finger is a 6 ½," she said.

Someone needs to quickly tell her that the surest way of having Sean ‘abandon' her is to issue another statement just like that one. Holy yikes.

"I'm falling in love with her and I can see her in the end," Sean said. Of course you are. Who wouldn't love the constant compliments and need for you?

Catherine's date with Sean was next and I hoped it would be some kind of saving grace.

The two cruise around on a boat and talk about how weird they are and how awesomely weird it is that they weirdly found each other. Weird.

I'm sorry you two, you are NOT that strange, and it's NOT okay to take that title from people like me. Thanks.

"I love spending time with her and I know that's an important key to finding the person I'm supposed to be with," Sean said in the most obvious statement ever.

Sean is very affectionate with her, and it became even more obvious how much he wasn't into his last date with AshLee.

"I need my best friend and I think she fits that perfectly," Sean said. Wait a minute! You already told Lindsey SHE was your best friend. You can't have two besties.

Catherine eased Sean's question about where she is in life when she talked about where she could see them within the next five years. She said she obviously wanted to be married and she could see them having a child by then.

"I know what Sean has to offer and he's such a good guy. He has everything that I'm looking for in a man and finding that and seeing that he would be attracted to me, it boggles my mind," Catherine said. Either she has some self-esteem issues or she's fishing.

Sean said to the third girl for the third time in one week that he could see himself marrying her (Catherine, in this case).  Oh dear, he's in trouble.

The overnight date card arrived and Catherine agreed to go with Sean.

"There's a big part of me that's attracted to the fact that Catherine is nervous about the fantasy suite," Sean said. Yeah I bet... narcissus.

In an admittedly adorable moment that made me erase all previous bad thoughts about Sean, Catherine explained to him that she was made fun of a lot for being chubby and eating a lot.

Sean looked at her straight faced and said, "You are smoking hot, OK? I am the lucky one." Listen up men; all you need to do is say that one sentence to a woman. That's it. And you'll have us forever.

"I fell in love with Sean today and I want him to be my husband," Catherine said. "I came here to find a great life and I know that we are meant to be together."

It's all good, Catherine, we all just fell in love with him too.

After the overnight dates were over, Sean sat down with Chris Harrison for one of their one-on-one bro-dates and chatted about Sean's upcoming decision.

Chris asked him if he knew who he was sending home and Sean regretfully said that he did and that he was afraid it was really going to break her heart.

"I thought sending Desiree home was the hardest thing I've ever done," Sean said. "I don't know if I have the words or the courage to [send her home]. It kills me inside. She's one of the sweetest women I've ever met in my life."

Who else is thinking it's co-dependent AshLee at this point?

To try to screw with Sean's head and decision  little more, Chris Harrison played a video from all three girls addressed to Sean.

Nothing new came from the video, just a lot of throwing the word ‘love' around.

Though

one noteworthy moment was the look on Sean's face when AshLee was speaking.

"I do believe that together we are whole," AshLee said. "Because of who you are to me I know that I am no longer broken and ultimately for that I will always love you." She laughs then cries and all the while Sean looked like he was going to have a panic attack.

It was time for the rose ceremony and Sean did not look happy to be there.

"I'm heartbroken because I know this is going to be difficult for her and that she won't be OK when this is over today," Sean said of the lady he was choosing to go home.

Sean called Lindsey's name and she was safe with a rose. Then after the LONGEST pause in Bachelor history, Sean picked Catherine and sent AshLee packing.

Someone call in the therapist!

AshLee gave Sean a look of pure death and didn't remove herself from the lineup of women for an awkward period of time. She didn't say goodbye to the other girls and stormed out without saying anything to Sean.

He said he wanted to explain himself and tried.

"I want you to go away with closure and to know I thought it was you from the beginning," Sean said. "I felt like our relationship—a lot of intensity there… honestly the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I think the world of you and I don't want you to ever doubt that."

AshLee said nothing back to him and got into the confession limo.

"This wasn't a silly game to me. This wasn't about a joy ride and about laughter and joking and having fun," AshLee cried.

Uh, shouldn't it have been? Maybe you should have focused more on having fun and less on your dream engagement ring. Just saying.

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