Finally! The big mystery has been solved. Episode 4 of "The Bachelor" opens with Sean showing the world that he isn't a boxers or a tighty whities kind of guy, he's a briefs man… whew, glad we resolved that.
Thirteen ladies were left in the house and three minutes into the show one of them was already crying.
Seriously, I timed it.
Chris Harrison told the girls that Sean is extremely confident that this process is working and he sees his wife in the room. What he meant to say was that Sean now understands that this process allows him to kiss 20 different girls in front of each other and is really enjoying it.
The first date card arrived and Selma was the chosen one. The card read: Let's turn up the heat."
Sean arrived at the house in those pink pants that everyone thought was just a joke last episode. Unfortunately, we were all mistaken.
Sean informed us that Selma mentioned to her that people are very quick to judge her because they they she is just a pretty face. Did she really play that card? Good job, Selma, now every viewer hates you.
In the limo she asks Sean if he can handle all 110 pounds of her. Ok, now it's official that we all hate her.
A private plane and red carpet are waiting for Sean and the diva and she seemed elated, only to step out of the plane into a desert.
"He took the Iraqi to the desert. I do not do well in heat, at all. I am really disappointed," said Selma. I don't even know how to respond to that comment.
Being the all-American guy, Sean talked about his love of the outdoors and being active. He showed Selma a rock that they would be climbing and she was not happy to say the least.
Sean said he knew she wasn't athletic and that he thought it would be funny to make her climb a rock. Man, I can definitely see where the girls think he is uber-sensitive.
It was kind of cute in a masoganistic way when Sean said that if she couldn't climb the rock that he would just strap her on his back and carry them both up. That was funny until he had way more trouble climbing than she did. "This is not as easy as it looks," Sean panted.
Hey Sean, maybe Selma should have strapped you to her back?
When they got to the top of the rock, Sean tells Selma how impressed he was and how fearless she is, while he was bleeding pretty badly from both legs. Ha! One point for us girls.
"Selma loved everything about today's date," Sean said. Wow, again, I am seeing how well connected Sean is with these girls, since Selma clearly LOVED being there.
After forcing her to climb a rock, Sean takes Selma to an RV park. "It's country glam!" Selma exclaimed. Nothing like taking a diva to a trailer park.
Selma asked Sean why he is single and he goes on to say that he has only has one serious girlfriend since college. Woah, woah, back it up Seany. One serious girlfriend and you're almost 30? Red flag? More like a red banner…
Sean showed off his cocky nature by constantly talking about how bad he thought Selma wanted to kiss him. Because everyone wants to kiss you, right?
Selma talked about her background and how she came from a very strict home. "We are Arabic and we cant date and we cant do this and cant do that. I was born in Iraq and grew up Muslim. We barely even date in public so to kiss someone on national television… I think my mom would have a heart attack."
So although she was telling Sean she couldn't kiss him, she was showing him that she really want to. Ah, the classic tease.
Despite being overly frustrated by Selma's mixed signals, Sean gave her the rose and said she had everything he was looking for in a woman and that he could see her being the one. Now I'm not keeping exact track of how many women he has said that line to, but I think its somewhere around 12?
The group date card arrived and said: Role with the punches. I was hoping some sort of fight club would take place.
"I think we are getting in one of those giant hamster ball things and rolling down a hill!" Lindsay intelligently exclaimed. Isn't she a teacher? Who else is now worried about our children?
Sean took the group to a roller derby track and informed them that they would be participating in a match after a day of practice.
Watching every girl bite it on roller-skates was as fulfilling as a Superbowl win for your beloved team.
Amanda told all the girls that she had participated in roller derby before and when Sean asked her if it was true, she said yes. "No, I totally haven't done this before but I've gotten into the other girls heads," She then immediately told the camera. Lying to Sean already, this will make for a very healthy relationship.
Sarah was having a difficult time practicing. "This is not just an emotional but a physical hurdle," she said. "My body works in different ways. I don't have great balance and I don't have two arms to prop myself up quickly. Its really hard because in moment like this I just want to be normal."
AshLee proved herself to be the only decent person on the date when she went over
and consoled Sarah and pushed her to keep trying.
Sean was (finally) sensitive to one of the girls when he sat with Sarah and told her that she could just hang out with him instead and wouldn't have to be in the match if she didn't feel up to it. Everyone pulled for Sarah and she got up and kept trying. Trooper.
Amanda was then shown on camera laughing in a very evil manner and telling viewers that the girls are already afraid of her derby skills and that gives her an advantage. She does know that she blatantly lied and that she never has actually been in a roller derby match, right? Uh oh, she's starting to believe her own lies.
Immediately after cackling into the camera, Amanda wipes out hard on the floor and cracks her chin. The girls pretending they were concerned that she broke her jaw, but I know they wanted to laugh as hard as I did.
Another medic was called which makes me hope that an ambulance will make an appearance on every episode. Here's hoping.
Sean cancels the match because he claimed to be sensitive to the fact that the girls were scared to participate. "I'm just really glad hes in tune with a woman," one of them exaggerated (by a lot).
He took all the ladies to the Roosevelt Hotel, again, which makes me believe that hes really creative.
At the hotel, Tierra's screws start to shake loose. "I don't want a sympathy rose, I want one because he wants me here!" Tierra cried.
Since when do you not want people to feel bad for you?
Amanda comes back from the hospital and unfortunately the jaw injury doesn't stop her from keeping her giant mouth shut. "I love the sympathy card. I play dirty. I'm going to milk the hell out of this," she smirked. "This didn't happen for nothing."
Sean doesn't really seem to care that she got hurt but shut her up by kissing the nonexistent bump on her jaw.
Robyn and Tierra come out and admit how much they hate each other, which isn't horrible to laugh at. "Really, is [Robyn] in high school? These girls need to become women!" Tierra cried. Delusional might be the word that comes to mind after that exchange.
Tierra finally flipped out and claimed she was going to walk out (which we all knew wouldn't really happen, unfortunately). "I don't like the environment, the girls, I cant do this at all. I don't trust anybody here and I don't get why no one gets that and its so annoying!"
She told producers she wanted to leave and went crying to find Sean, who was conveniently kissing Lindsay about to have a hot tub escapade with her.
The camera captured Tierra in her moment of glory: crouched over crying outside of Sean's door with mascara running down her face and crazy eyes glaring.
"I can't take the fakeness from these girls anymore! I can't take it I can not take it I am breaking down inside and holding it all in and that's not fair and yes he's a great guy and ill probably regret it but I can't be tortured like this." Holy stream of crazy consciousness. Did anyone follow that?
Sean came outside with Lindsay to find Crazy waiting for him. Do guys really love an emotional stalker? All signs point to yes.
Tierra went on and on about how hard it is to be in the hosue and see him with other girls. Sometimes I wonder if these girls know what show they are on?
To everyone's horror, Sean grabbed the rose and gave it to Tierra to make her feel more confident. This is not the start to a very unhealthy relationship at all.
The other girls were horrified and all talk was on Tierra and her two-faced nature.
Leslie H. scored the next one-on-one date along with a set of diamond earings.
"Holy moly Batman!" Leslie kept yelling. I don't get it. Am I missing something?
Sean took Leslie to Rodeo Drive to go shopping and compared it to the movie Pretty Woman. He said it was every girls dream. Yes, you're correct; every girls dream is to be a prostitute?
Leslie can not be trusted after picking a hideous dress out of hundreeds of beautiful options.
"Pretty Woman…here we are living out that fantasy!" she exclaimed. Ok, its becoming clear that no one really knows the plot of this movie.
Neil Lane gives (loans) her a necklace with about 120 Karat diamonds. I don't know about all of you, but this is the point where I leave Sean and go running with the necklace.
"Sean has made me feel more like a woman than I've ever felt in my whole life. When I look at Sean I see my future husband. He's everything that I could ever wish for and more," Leslie said. That wouldn't be weird if it wasn't their first date. Just saying.
"If I was ever going to have that romantic feeling about Leslie tonight would be the tonight," Sean said.
Unfortunately for Leslie, Sean didn't feel that romantic connection and she was sent packing… without the necklace. Bummertown.
A musician was there to sing to the couple at dinner, but after Sean rejected Leslie, the music played sadly in the background as Sean dramatically dropped the rose off a balcony. Touching.
The cocktail party began and I would venture to say that this week's party
consisted mostly of Sean over-complimenting each lady.
He kissed AshLee up close again, which leads me to plead to the cameramen to back up a few feet. No one wants to see kissing that close. No one.
Robyn tried out a GREAT (terrible) pick up line on Sean. She pulled out a piece of chocolate and asked, "Sean, do you like chocolate? Do you like the taste of chocolate? Do you want to taste the chocolate?" She grabbed his face and landed one on him then said, "He finally kissed me!" No, Robyn, you were the one trying to eat his face.
The rest of the cocktail party was all focused on Tierra and had horrible of a person she is. Which is hard to argue otherwise. She pulled Sean aside to make sure that no matter what girls told him about her, that he wouldn't be persuaded. He said he wouldn't, setting himself up for disaster.
I can't lie, I never want to see Tierra go home. What would the show be without her crazy and delisioal brain?
Catherine pulled Sean to the side and told him how attracted to him she was, which is great for Sean's growing ego.
"I want a good passionate man that cares!" she said. Well , dear, we all want unicorns to walk the earth and pigs to fly.
The rose ceremony began with Tierra and Selma safe from going home. Sean said that unfortunately he is emotionally invested in many of them. I know that would make me feel so special.
Every girl is called except for evil Amanda who takes her 20's outfit and bruised chin back home.
"Sean has everything that I am looking for. I feel really rejected and it hurts," she said. "Heartbreak is such a difficult emotion. It's going to be hard to get over Sean."
Heartbreak? She really calls this heartbreak? Wow, he dodged a huge "eccentric" bullet.