CLEVELAND - "Dancing with the Stars" is dropping more dead weight than Kirstie Alley.
I kid! But, seriously, the show goes into the semifinals having kicked off two popular stars. Ready for the surprise double elimination? Here we go.
The results show for week eight kicks off with Kylie Minogue doing the "Locomotion." It came out in 1987 and I don't think Kylie's aged a day since then. This performance pretty much galvanized my undying crush for her.
First results: Host Tom Bergeron tells us that TV host Melissa Rycroft and Tony are safe… as are Olympian Shawn Johnson and Derek. Guess their risky tribal trio dance didn't hurt them after all, Len.
Next performance with the Broadway cast of "Newsies" performing "Seize the Day."
Never has being a starving, filthy orphan with a crippling injury working for pennies looked so fun.
More results – oh, wait, another performance. Ne-Yo comes out with "Let Me Love You Until You Learn to Love Yourself." They changed the whole stage for this gig. It looks like a club and Ne-Yo is a pretty spiffy entertainer.
Host Brooke Burke questions actresses Kelly Monaco and Kirstie Alley. Kelly says it's not easy being up there with Kirstie knowing one of them is going home.
Results: Kelly can't hide how uncomfortable she looks. But it turns out, she's the safe one. After weeks of wacky dances, low scores and "incidents," (and maybe missed medication?), Kirstie is finally going home.
A hush falls over the crowd. The stars start hugging Kelly. Kirstie tells the judges their critiques really helped her, as Maks stands behind her, shaking his head as if to say, "Nothing helped you, Kirstie."
Kirstie tweeted, "And now we carry on!!! One ride comes to an end and the next one takes off..zero to sixty in a heartbeat ..all love to ALL of you!!!"
Time for a twist. The stars now pick dance styles and themes for their competitors for next week's semifinals. They will pick in reverse order of cumulative scores of the season.
Kelly and Val pick the Caveman Hustle for Melissa and Tony. Huh?
NFL retiree Emmitt Smith and Cheryl pick Knight Rider Bhangra for Shawn and Derek. What is that? the world asks. Brooke says it's an Indian folk dance.
Olympian Apolo Anton Ohno and Karina pick Mad Monk Merengue for actor Gilles Marini and Peta. That sounds like the worst.
Gilles and Peta pick Big Top Jazz for Apolo and Karina. Does that mean circus? Maybe they can go all Cirque du Soleil.
Shawn and Derek pick Espionage Lindy Hop for Emmitt and Cheryl. Sounds like a completely unnatural mix.
Kelly and Val then get stuck with Surfer Flamenco.
The hosts say the mixes might make more sense when the stars find out what their songs will be. Guess we'll have to wait for next week to see what that's all about.
But, wait! One of these unholy abominations won't come to light as one more couple is yet to be kicked off.
After another performance time-filler, we get to the results. As for the guys, Emmitt and Cheryl are declared safe.
Emmitt tweeted, "Thanks to all of you who voted for me and Cheryl. We really appreciate your support. Be blessed and a blessing to someone else."
Gilles looked nervous. Turns out, he has reason to be. Apolo is safe, so Gilles is out. The crowd boos. Maybe they're upset they won't get to see what a Mad Monk Merengue looks like.
A taking-it-too-hard Gilles tweeted, "The hardest part of the night was to explain to my Mom that I am done with
@ DancingABC :( Her heart broke! I'm feeling awful!"
But next week's semifinals aren't just the new dances mashed-up with odd themes. It's also Michael Jackson week. Did the show forget about the kitchen sink next week, too?
To top off the crazy, Paula Abdul will come up with some exclusive performance she created. Maybe her presence will make up for Kirstie's absence. One thing's for sure, these semifinals are not to be missed.
The semifinals air Monday night at 8:00 on ABC. More information can be found at: beta.abc.go.com/shows/dancing-with-the-stars/index .