CINCINNATI -- Dear Cincinnati,

Let's see if we can avoid placing ourselves on the national blooper tape for the weekend that's right around the corner, huh?

We've got the annual Oktoberfest celebration, which is personally among my favorite Cincinnati parties. There's also a huge football game between the up-and-coming Cincinnati Bearcats and No. 6 Ohio State, which will be played in the wonderful and sold-out Paul Brown Stadium. Yes, it's true, I used "sold-out" and "Paul Brown Stadium" in the same sentence. The last time a football game of this magnitude was played in Cincinnati, a team from Elder or Moeller probably was involved.

Finally, there's the Cincinnati Reds last-ever series at tradition-steeped Cinergy Field. There might be a million people downtown this weekend.

Opportunities for a wonderful weekend on the riverfront are plentiful. But in the Queen City, for some inexplicable reason, that means there are plenty of chances to look like an infinite collection of idiots on the national stage.

Just another week in the life got started splendidly Monday when Black United Front members demonstrated outside the Hamilton County Courthouse.

If it's not one thing, it's something else.

I'll never forget six years ago when Bob Bedinghaus and company were trying to pass the stadium issue and signs around town read, "Vote Yes For A Big League City." Well, we passed the vote, thank you, but the only way I can describe Cincinnati 2,100 days later is that it's a Big Dumb City.

Political and law enforcement leaders are consistently keeping this city from achieving that highly sought after Big League status. I don't know why everybody wants it, but Cincinnati no doubt seeks it. Still, wanting it and achieving it are about as similar as Nell Carter and Heidi Klum.

In order to achieve Big League status, however, you need people who are going to play to win. You need to rid yourselves of the Mike Browns, and you need to build the old-fashioned, "intimate" ballparks in the old-fashioned, "intimate" parts of the city. Broadway Commons was a no-brainer. We're over that, though, aren't we?

We're about as over that as we are over police shootings, and indictments of highly ranked African-American police officials. Everything's a race issue in this city. Everything's about how unfairly one group treated another. Everything requires gut-wrenching analysis in this city, before a decision or court ruling is announced. Then, when it's announced, it's always the wrong announcement. Does that not make you tired to live in this city?

After you overthrow King Mike, you need to focus on who to keep, or who to pursue. You need more Charlie Lukens. You need more Nick Vehrs. Dreamers are great; doers are even better. That said, heck, clone Jeff Ruby. He gets things done.

It's a simple formula, really. I grew up in Cleveland, so I know all about living in a rundown town that is the butt of many a joke. But that was 20 years ago. Everybody knows how significantly Cleveland has turned itself around. Using Mark Twain's math, Cincinnati's improvements should start to begin soon.

In the meantime, I've devised a mathematical formula of my own that could be conducive to a memorable weekend. My methods are often quite complex, so listen hard and listen good. You ready?

Don't shoot anybody.

Until this weekend, enjoy the days, and then when the weekend rolls around, enjoy them some more.

Hope to see you 'round this weekend.

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